And I'll Breathe And I'll Go

Ok, so as some of you know (I think I made a post about it), I went and got a psychiatric evaluation. I got the results back right before christmas, but there were a couple people I wanted to tell face to face before I made a post about it. I highly doubt anyone really cares, or that any of you find it important/interesting, but I still want to make a statement.

So the resulting diagnoses are as follows: Bipolar II with psychotic and mixed features (I will explain what all of this means in a minute), as well as social anxiety disorder (WOA BIG SHOCK THERE HAHA NOT)

"But Jenna isn't bipolar just mood swings? Isn't that just where you're happy then sad then angry really fast?!"

NO IT IS NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Bipolar disorders are in no way just mood swings. Everyone has mood swings, especially as teenagers because your hormones pretty much shit themselves due to puberty. No, bipolar disorder is a disorder that causes people to cycle from extreme highs (called mania or hypomania) to extreme lows (called depression). This usually happens over a span of weeks. A person might remain manic for a month or two, then cycle down into depression, then maybe go up to normal emotional range. But the point is that this process takes time. It's not "one minute I'm happy the next I'm sad". That's just being moody. The cycles and moods of a bipolar person affect their life and their ability to function within different areas of their lives; being "moody" doesn't impair a person's ability to function. While most people know what depression is, many have no clue what mania is. These are the symptoms of mania:

• Euphoria
• Inflated self esteem
• Poor judgement
• Rapid speech
• Aggressive behavior
• Irritability
• Increased physical activity
• Recklessness/risky behavior
• Increased goal-oriented activity 
• Increased sex drive
• Decreased need for sleep (like sleeping only a couple hours and being at full functioning)
• Easily distracted
• In some extreme cases, psychosis (break from reality)

I have bipolar II, which means I never get up to full mania. I experience hypomania, which is a lesser form of mania. This means it has less of an impact on my ability to function, and it tends to last a lot shorter than mania. This does not mean bipolar II is less severe than bipolar I (bipolar I experiences full blown mania). Each version blows dick and is no fun to have. Also, bipolar II is often more chronic (means it's harder to "cure"; you're pretty much stuck with it for life), whereas bipolar I often goes into remission with the right treatment regiment. People with bipolar II are also more prone to rapid cycling (I am), and they spend far less time in a "normal" mood range than people with bipolar I.  

"Ok cool, I think I get bipolar disorder now. But what the fuck is psychosis?"

Psychosis is basically the term used for when a person can no longer tell what is real from what is not. A person who's psychotic will experience delusions (fixed, false beliefs that cannot be changed regardless of evidence proving otherwise), hallucinations (false sensory experiences), and disorganized thinking and speech. I have experienced ALL of these. My psychosis is caused by my moods; when I am hypomanic, I'm probably psychotic. When I am depressed, I am probably psychotic. My delusions tend to include thinking people can read my mind, hear what I'm thinking, SEE what I'm thinking, or that everyone is talking badly about me and is out to ruin my life. As for hallucinations, I've hallucinated in all 5 of my senses: I've heard things, seen things, smelled things, tasted things, and felt things that were not there. I've also had disorganized thinking, which usually comes along with hypomania (it's never a problem when I'm depressed). Remember that really fucking weird journal I wrote a while back? Yeah, that's disorganized thinking. So fun.

"But wait, aren't psychotic people like, really dangerous?"

FUCK NO. People with psychosis (such as people with schizophrenia) are far more likely to be a danger to themselves than to other people. Also they are more prone to being abused and assaulted than being the ones abusing. It's a myth that all psychotic people are homicidal maniacs; most of them are terrified and alone.

"And now what the heck are "mixed features"?"

Mixed features basically means I experience mixed episodes as well as depressive and hypomanic episodes. Mixed episodes are basically hypomania and depression at the same time. Those episodes are the most dangerous because mixed people tend to have high energy and low mood, so suicide is very common during a mixed episode. I hate these the most. You feel like shit, you're super psychotic, and your brain won't stop going and going and going. Not fun at all.

"Isn't social anxiety just being shy?"

NOOOOOO OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP NO IT'S NOT. Social anxiety pretty much makes making friends impossible because you're constantly analyzing their words, looking for deeper meaning. You think everyone hates you, that everyone is talking about you or things you're weird and unpleasant. Big crowds can be so upsetting that you're on the brink of a panic attack. You don't know how to speak to anyone, ever. It sucks and it's so isolating because you're screaming "I don't want to be alone!!" and at the same time it's like "No leave me alone I can't deal with people holy crap."

"Ok so you have all this shit going on. What are you going to do? How do you treat this?"

I get put on *insert sparkles and fireworks* MOOD STABILIZERS *jazz hands*. I'm not medicated yet so I am currently enjoying cycling between mild hypomania and normal functioning. Mood stabilizers are basically going to stop me from cycling and prevent my disorder from escalating to full blown mania. They have all sorts of nasty side affects, like massive weight gain, memory loss, dry mouth, and diarrhea (eww). I've been trying to narrow down the ones that are relatively OK in terms of side affects: so far I have Topamax (could make me rage out though), Lamictal (could give me a lethal rash), and Saphris (might shut down my ability to produce white blood cells). As you can see, medications for people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are pretty unpleasant, and sometimes the side affects are worse than the illness itself. This is partly due to lack of research for newer, better medications (I mean shit how many fucking antidepressants do we NEED UGH) and the stigma surrounding such illnesses. These illnesses are more obvious than depression or anxiety, and they're a lot less "glamorous". That boy will totally cure Sally of her depression, but he'd be Jesus if he could cure Teresa of her paranoid delusions. Bipolar disorder just isn't "pretty enough" to talk about, or research about, so it's a bit misunderstood. This disorder is not romantic; it's not quirky, it's not beautiful, it's not cool. Fuck you if you pretend to be bipolar, or say "I'm so bipolar" when you actually mean moody. 

So yeah, that's my diagnosis. If you have any questions PLEASE ASK ME.