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  • Mood: Bewildered
While it appears that I'm focused, if you look closely you'll see my entire brain's been replaced with wet cotton balls.

I keep getting into those modes where nothing makes sense, where I'm nothing. Sometimes my head get's so full of nothing I think I just might have to twist it off, like the cap on a bottle. I get locked on. Locks. Cows and mooing and grass. Lawnmowers and gasoline. Mowing. Yes? No? Have you ever had the experience where water isn't wet? Where things don't taste like they should, my ice cream tasted like celery and sometimes I have smells like old butter that follow me around for hours. Old butter tastes like oranges. My cat has fleas and I think he gave them to me, but they must be underneath my skin. I feel them crawling on me, I don't like it. My psychiatrist doesn't take me seriously, I have OCD according to the Wild Man. OCD, funny. I'm not obsessive, I'm contemplative. Not compulsive, I'm impulsive, gogogo. 

You know, if you think something too loud someone might hear it. I don't like to think certain things, someone could know all the disgusting things I've done. Disgusting. Ugh. I'm getting fat, I eat too much there's nothing else to do. I don't want people, no people please, byebye go away. I think I might be ok with not speaking forever. Or not moving. Unless I get filled with all the nothing again, then I couldn't survive. Move move. Not anxiety, it's nothing. Nothing makes me do it. Makes me do it. What's wrong with me? Preoccupation with my own thoughts and perceptions. Not disorganized, just venting you see. You see. No. I'm a fool for talking this way, so silly, my eyes are vibrating. I'm a fraud, there's nothing wrong with me, my problems don't exist I'm just "scared of the dark". Yes no. Maybe. I don't think so. They don't exist! You don't exist! Strangers on a train, always look the same. Look at me. Talking. Tell me about me, I don't know. Do you understand? Yes no. Maybe. You don't know, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I can't seem to squeeze a laugh out of me it got stuck in my trachea somewhere between neurosis and normalcy. Psychotic? They say no. Maybe so, I don't know. Here we go. He says paranoid, silly boy, I have better eyesight than you, you don't know. Randomize your vocabulary and you get word salad! Delicious. I'm not disorganized, venting you see. I'm a fraud, you see, a fake. No boxes can hold me, oh well, so it goes.

I think my brain might melt through my eyes but that's life I guess. So it goes.
Table of Contents

1. Fairy Houses
2. Fiberglass Slides and Trampolines
3. The Octagonal Church of Jesus Christ
4. Auburn
5. Can I Watch?
6. Blake Who Was Actually Mary
7. Pencil Sharpeners That CanÕt Sharpen
8. Bones Made of Lead
9. Just Right
10. DonÕt Talk About the Dog



The Octagonal Church Of Jesus Christ

"If you're not Catholic why do you even go here?"
     "I don't know."
     I tug at the hem of my blue polo shirt, which should be tucked into khaki pants, which are held up by a navy blue belt.  These clothes are supposed to make me modest, we're all supposed to be modest, it's "the Catholic way".  But modest isn't what the other girls want to be.  They want to be like the celebrities they see on TV; they want to be grown up.  I remember this as I watch them roll the hems of their skirts in the bathroom, to make them shorter, to make boys pay attention longer.  We aren't allowed to wear make up, or paint our nails, or wear socks that show our ankles.  We aren't supposed to stand out, or draw attention to ourselves, but looking like this, all we do is stand out among the masses.
     
     We can't get close to boys; it's not appropriate.  At dances, we have to stay an arm's length apart or we get sprayed with water.  But they don't know how the girls and boys dance at their own, private parties, the parties where they pretend they drink and where people are pressed so close together you can't tell who's what and what's who.  Parties where twelve year olds dress like twenty year olds.  They donÕt want to think about this.  They don't want to know that this is happening; they don't know anything at all.  They don't know what Millie did for Max in a park bathroom stall.  They don't know what Kyle says to me every day that makes me fear him, that makes me fear all the boys at school.  They don't want to know.
     
     We go to church every Friday morning.  All of the students file into the great octagonal church and fall into rows among the rest of the children, among people ages five to fifteen.  At the front of the church there's a painting of Him, their Savior, staring back at me and it makes my skin crawl because I don't believe in him, and somehow that damns me faster than it damns the rest of my peers.
     
     "It's great that you're a nice person and all, but you're still going to go to hell regardless."  They say if you believe in Him, you are saved.  You are rewarded based on faith alone, not on your behavior.  I watch my classmates take turns stepping into dark rooms with shut doors, rooms with priests on the opposing side of a screen.  My peers "confess", and they are saved.  I know they do not tell the truth.  I know what they do, they know what they do, and their God knows what they do.  But somehow, these people who are better than I am, for doing things worse than I've ever done, will be saved because they said they were sorry.  We have all been born tarnished, tainted, is what my religion teacher says, looking right into me.  But a person can be purified if they commit their love to Him, she tells us.  Most of my peers did this before they could even remember it.  I did not.  I remember this ever time I enter the great octagonal church, every time I look into the harsh, lifeless eyes of the painting of Him, their Savior.  "God loves all who fear him."  I refuse to be afraid.
The Great Octagonal Church
*DISCLAIMER*: I have nothing against religious people. I went to a Catholic middle school and it was honestly probably one of the worst places I've ever been to. It has shaped me in rather unpleasant ways. This is a tale unique to me, it is my personal experience and it is not my intention to offend anyone. Please respect my story.

I did this for a project in my advisory class. We had to write a table of contents based off of events in your life and then choose one of the chapters to write about. This was the chapter I chose.
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  • Mood: Thrilled
I applied to a mental health advice blog a while back and last night I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!

You can check out my new family here!
  • Mood: Hopeless
× • ALL | ABOUT | ME • × •
- Name: Jenna
- Single or Taken: Taken :love::heart:
- Sex: Female ;)
- Birthday: February
- Sign: Pisces/Aquarius cusp
- Hair Color: Golden brown w/ teal-ish blue-ish tips
- Eye Color: Hazel green
- Height: 5'4"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Bi is easiest to say but I basically date for personality not body parts

• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Sulfate free in an attempt to preserve the dye in my hair
- What are you listening to right now?: The TV
- Who is the last person that called you?: Nathan
- How many buddies are online right now?: Idk...

• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •
- Animals: Cats, snakes, orcas, whales in general, sharks
- Color: Teal, bright blue, maroon, dark purplish pink idk how to describe it, lavender, idk I really like colors that have been mixed or muted or whatever
- Drink: Water or lemonade
- Element: Air or water
- Food: Asian foods
- Game: Nahh
- Movie: Too many good films
- Songs: Again, too many, but my favorite BANDS are Brand new, The Story So Far, Of Mice & Men, and Bring Me The Horizon
- Subjects In School: Chemistry and psychology
- T.V. Series: Sherlock, Bob's Burgers.... Yeah idk, Botched is a fun show... Face Off... Idk :shrug:

• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •
- Given Anyone A Bath?: I don't think so, no
- Smoked?: Nope
- Bungee Jumped?: Nope
- Made Yourself Throw Up?: Never
- Skinny Dipped?: Yes, once when I was little so it doesn't REALLY count
- Ever Been In Love?: Current state of being :heart:
- Made Yourself Cry To Get Out Of Trouble?: No I have a sense of dignity
- Pictured Your Crush Naked?: I've SEEN my crush naked...
- Actually Seen Your Crush Naked?: OH YEAH and I did a lot more than just look ;p
- Cried When Someone Died?: Yes but I didn't actually know them I just went to their funeral because my school made me
- Lied: Who hasn't?
- Fallen For Your Best Friend?: Many times
- Used Someone?: No
- Done Something You Regret?: Again, who hasn't?

• × • C U R R E N T • × •
- Clothes: Marvel T-shirt, dark was jean shorts, Doc martens
- Desktop Picture: Same as it has been for the past (almost) year
- CD In Player: HAHAHA who uses CDs anymore
- DVD In Player: Idk

• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •
- You Touched: Sherbert, my cat :meow:
- Hugged: Nathan
- You kissed: Nathan
- You IMed: Nathan...
- Talk To Online: Monica P (She's from Tumblr)
- You Sexed It Up With: NATHAN :eyes:

• × • A R E | Y O U • × •
- Understanding?: I try to be, I think I am
- Open-minded?: Very, but not without reason
- Arrogant?: I hope I'm not D:
- Insecure?: Yes
- Random?: I guess? But I fee like if you say "omg I'm so random!!" then you probably AREN'T all that random. It's just been my observation, at least
- Hungry?: Not really but I want to eat and eat and eat
- Smart?: Ehh I guess??
- Moody?: LOL you could say that :XD:
-Organized?: Yes
- Shy?: Yes
- Difficult?: I try not to be but I probably am :hmm:
- Bored Easily?: VERY
- Entertained Easily?: Ehhh sometimes :dummy:
- Obsessed?: Obsessed with what? This is an incomplete thought and I can't really answer it...
- Lazy?: No, just unmotivated
- Angry?: Quite frequently
- Happy?: Sometimes
- Hyper?: Sometimes
- Trusting?: Not really

• × • R A N D O M • × •
- In The Morning I: get up and take a shower
- Love Is: not for the faint of heart
- I Dream About: weird shit.
- What Do You Notice First In The Sex You're Into: Face, behavior, how they treat others, if they're looking at me

• × • W H O • × • <-
- Makes You Laugh: Nathan, Julia, Bella
- Makes You Smile: Nathan, Julia, Bella, Sherbert
- Gives You A Funny Feeling When You See Him/Her: Nathan :iconmonkeyloveplz:

• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •
- Sit On The Internet All Night Waiting For That Someone Special to IM you?: No
- Wish You Were A Member Of The Opposite Sex?: Sometimes yeah
- Wish You Were Younger?: Sometimes yeah
- Cry Because Someone Said Something To You?: Sometimes yeah

• × • N U M B E R • × •
- Of Times I Have Had My Heart Broken?: Idk maybe like once
- Of Guys I've Kissed: Like 4 I think
- Of Girls I've Kissed: 4, again
- Of Cd's I Own: I don't own
- Of Scars On My Body: Too many to count, most are self inflicted.
  • Mood: Hopeless
Yeah I'm so fucking over everything right about now. No one takes me seriously anymore. I guess if you haven't tried to kill yourself at least once and your problems didn't begin when you were 8 you can't possibly have anything wrong with you. My psych says I'm not bad enough to medication and I have to take an epilepsy test to see if my catatonic episodes are just seizures. So thanks, I guess I'm just overreacting about everything. Fuck actually I am overreacting, all this shit really went to hell when I dumped a boy after he told me that he was gay. If that's nots overreacting I don't fucking know what is. No one cares and NO ONE knows what to do with me anymore I tell people how I feel and they don't even try to help they just say they're sorry but sorry doesn't fix SHIT they're just lazy and they just want me to shut up about it FUCK THEM I am HOPELESS and nothing gets better it's very obvious now getting help only makes things worse why couldn't they just have let me die I was ready I had a plan but NO I had to stay and now look where I am invalidated and friendless as ever.

There is something wrong with me and no one knows and no one cares I just want answers I couldn't even function yesterday there were so many people and I couldn't speak and I was moving weird and everything felt unreal and I don't know I was behaving so strange I can't describe it I can never talk about things when they've passed it's always present and then I cried that night I felt so empty at first then I got sad then I was so happy and hyper again I don't know what's going on I don't know how to make them understand it's because I'm functioning and my grades aren't slipping that's why they don't care.

I'm just sitting here watching everyone succeed and enjoy school and enjoy life and make friends as they leave me I'm watching everyone replace me and move on with their wonderful lives and I'm just sitting here waiting to die and waiting for it all to end because I'm so stuck in all of this and I'm all alone. No one understands. No one wants to.

deviantID

Dayglo14
Jenna
Artist | Student | Traditional Art
United States
PLEASE STOP THANKING ME FOR FAVORITING YOUR ART. IT'S BECOMING IRRITATING. JUST MAKE MORE OF IT INSTEAD, OK? OK. GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.

Age: 16
Favorite Color: Purple? Blue?
Height: 5'4"
Favorite Sports: Track & Field
Favorite songs: Anything from Under Soil and Dirt or What You Don't See (Both The Story So Far)
Relation-ship status: Taken by a lovely, amazingly amazing boy!! :heart:
OCs: Blaire Cross, Azuli Ibiza, Grayson Bea, Shaun Love, Emily Hewer, Ramona Dallaire, Oliver Morissey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:iconneonfreeon: <-----Dude, she may not upload a lot of art, but she's still pretty cool. So go, watch this ginger Catholic!

:iconecoking13: <-----RYPIE! He's an old school friend, I hardly see him anymore :(

:iconthe-albino-emo: <----- Omg I love him :glomp: He's fun to talk to and a really nice guy :)

:iconmoulinrougegirl77: <-----My very first watcher on Deviantart, she's a great support system and is super sweet. She's always there for a friend :)

:icon17bloodwolf: <-----SHE IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!! :heart:

:icontoolazyforarealname: <------OHMYGOD She's awesome and fun to talk to and hella funny asdfghjkl
Interests
  • Mood: Bewildered
While it appears that I'm focused, if you look closely you'll see my entire brain's been replaced with wet cotton balls.

I keep getting into those modes where nothing makes sense, where I'm nothing. Sometimes my head get's so full of nothing I think I just might have to twist it off, like the cap on a bottle. I get locked on. Locks. Cows and mooing and grass. Lawnmowers and gasoline. Mowing. Yes? No? Have you ever had the experience where water isn't wet? Where things don't taste like they should, my ice cream tasted like celery and sometimes I have smells like old butter that follow me around for hours. Old butter tastes like oranges. My cat has fleas and I think he gave them to me, but they must be underneath my skin. I feel them crawling on me, I don't like it. My psychiatrist doesn't take me seriously, I have OCD according to the Wild Man. OCD, funny. I'm not obsessive, I'm contemplative. Not compulsive, I'm impulsive, gogogo. 

You know, if you think something too loud someone might hear it. I don't like to think certain things, someone could know all the disgusting things I've done. Disgusting. Ugh. I'm getting fat, I eat too much there's nothing else to do. I don't want people, no people please, byebye go away. I think I might be ok with not speaking forever. Or not moving. Unless I get filled with all the nothing again, then I couldn't survive. Move move. Not anxiety, it's nothing. Nothing makes me do it. Makes me do it. What's wrong with me? Preoccupation with my own thoughts and perceptions. Not disorganized, just venting you see. You see. No. I'm a fool for talking this way, so silly, my eyes are vibrating. I'm a fraud, there's nothing wrong with me, my problems don't exist I'm just "scared of the dark". Yes no. Maybe. I don't think so. They don't exist! You don't exist! Strangers on a train, always look the same. Look at me. Talking. Tell me about me, I don't know. Do you understand? Yes no. Maybe. You don't know, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I can't seem to squeeze a laugh out of me it got stuck in my trachea somewhere between neurosis and normalcy. Psychotic? They say no. Maybe so, I don't know. Here we go. He says paranoid, silly boy, I have better eyesight than you, you don't know. Randomize your vocabulary and you get word salad! Delicious. I'm not disorganized, venting you see. I'm a fraud, you see, a fake. No boxes can hold me, oh well, so it goes.

I think my brain might melt through my eyes but that's life I guess. So it goes.

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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2014
Thanks for the fave 
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the fave(s)! :tighthug: 
Reply
:iconecoking13:
EcoKing13 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey I got a date for the Writers Guild event. It's on March 11th, around 3:30. You think you can make it?
Reply
:icondayglo14:
Dayglo14 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
3:30? And it's at your school?
Reply
:iconecoking13:
EcoKing13 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yep
Reply
:icondayglo14:
Dayglo14 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Fuck idk if I can go... My school lets out at 3:15... If I went I'd probably be late to it
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmoulinrougegirl77:
moulinrougegirl77 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014
happy birthday
Reply
:icondayglo14:
Dayglo14 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks!
Reply
:iconmoulinrougegirl77:
moulinrougegirl77 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014
np
Reply
:icon17bloodwolf:
17BloodWolf Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy birthday! (I still need to finish your present -_-)
Reply
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